For Family Mediation Week, Alan Jeffrey writes about what a typical day looks like as he supports families to reconnect, rebuild relationships, and avoid the causes and consequences of youth homelessness
After a predictable but still seemingly unavoidable scramble to get my daughter ready and out of the door for school in the morning I make my way into our Edinburgh-based HQ to start the day.
As I drive I reflect on the chaotic scenes at home, questioning why my family-specific conflict resolution skills do not seem to apply to my own family.
Such existential worries are banished by the time I enter the office. Today I have five new emails, and an embarrassingly high number carried over from yesterday.
Our senior family outreach worker, Lauren, has emailed me. In our service we follow the ‘amber model’ whereby mediators and family outreach workers collaborate on cases to offer families practical and emotional support alongside mediation.
Lauren has been working hard to support a young person to get back to school after a lengthy absence, a topic that has been causing conflict within the family. Lauren likes to say that the outreach workers help families tackle the things that are fuelling the fires of conflict.
Emails checked, it’s time for one more cup of coffee (no sugar) before heading out to meet with clients. First stop, a pre-mediation meeting in East Lothian with a very chatty young person (14-years-old) who, as she is currently living at her aunt’s house, hasn’t had any contact with her mum in the last five weeks.
We discuss their relationship and what it means to her, and whether she’d like support to reconnect. I say discuss but given her chatty nature I listen more than talk, marvelling at the maturity and level of self-awareness she is showing.
We agree a list of three things, from a potential longlist that we may wish to speak to mum about in a joint mediation session and I get permission to share these with mum when I meet with her on her own. I agree to ask mum if she would be willing to do the same and share topics of conversation before we all meet together.
Back in the car and it’s off to a joint mediation meeting between a teenager and his dad. The local high school is the venue of choice for meeting between two family members who love each other yet struggle to manage their own emotions, verbally sparring each time we meet – with no obvious winner.
Today, they are uncharacteristically subdued as they negotiate appropriate curfew times and the dividing of household chores. There were several moments where in response to veiled insults it looked like control could be lost, but with some gentle encouragement, generous reframing and some reality checking, we kept things at a level that everyone was comfortable with.
At the end of the session, when asked how that that went, the dad responded, "I think that’s the first time I’ve ever felt he’s listened to me, actually."
Back to the office and my emails. At Cyrenians we are fortunate to have not one, but two conflict resolution services, with Cyrenians Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution (SCCR) as the other one.
I have been invited to co-facilitate SCCR’s latest mediation and mediator skills training course, which is fully accredited by Scottish Mediation. It’s great to share these transformative skills with others and support the next generation of mediators; the only drawback is that the level of quality is so high it takes a while to prepare myself to facilitate.
The rest of the day then sees me preparing myself to deliver sessions on mediation principles and skills such as impartiality, neutrality, active listening, summarising, reframing, empathy and of course, one last coffee (no sugar).
Around this time, I receive some welcome emails: personal reflection assignments where the participants challenge themselves to reflect on a real-life conflict, both from their own vantage point and from that of their conflict partners. It’s a fascinating exercise, showcasing the fundamental aspect of mediation – that every story has two (or more) sides.
The truth is, no two days are alike as a mediator for the Cyrenians. Working with people, especially families, always throws up unexpected challenges and joys. And so, as I drive home to spend time with my own family, I look forward to what joys and challenges tomorrow may bring.
Alan Jeffrey is senior mediator for Cyrenians Mediation and Support.
Family Mediation Week 2025 takes place from 27 - 31 January.
Find out more:
Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution - SCCR
Cyrenians Mediation and Support
Cyrenians
