Children can be traumatised when parents split. Jason Miralles of the Shared Parenting Network coaches couples to put aside differences to avoid damage to children's lives
My own parents never got on. From my earliest memory, I remember the regular fist fights, the verbal sparring, the insults and always a simmering unease. So much so I craved other people’s families and I longed – and dreamed - for that semblance of normality others seemed to take for granted. What they seen as banal family values was something I’d never achieve. And I firmly believe I missed out on a large chunk of a life as a consequence.
It’s hard to be optimistic about modern relationships with separation and divorce rates as high as they are. It is however easier to be realistic. We know around two out of three relationships split at some point. For those with no children, life can begin again but oftentimes when young kids are involved it requires very careful planning if you want to avoid creating what can easily become a life-affecting trauma.
Shared parenting is all about creating the terms of engagement where parents put aside their differences for the sake of their children. It’s variously been described as “new age meddling” and even a form of witchcraft by the less generous but the stark reality is it works for thousands of estranged couples.
The plan is for a childhood-long parenting structure. It’s reviewed periodically and adapted to fit the child’s emotional, education and physical needs as they grow. So it’s always work in progress.
Our network encourages couples to see a bigger picture by considering the needs of their children foremost. That means putting their relationship issues aside until that is achieved. That’s the hard part. At times I deal with people who quite openly despise each other and, because of this, don’t seem to care about the collateral damage done to their offspring. Couples quite willingly sacrifice their relationship with their kids to get one over on their other half, which is pretty despicable in my book.
It doesn’t mean to say it can’t be solved. I’ve seen spitting couples tamed once the message has got through to them - although getting there is a bit of a struggle. Anger is the worst emotion; it distorts and bends our realities to the extent we can’t accept the truth. So I counsel on letting go of that anger before moving on to the practical barriers affecting two people sharing children equally.
We’ve a very skewed idea of custody in this country. When two loving parents split, there’s no justification for one to have more access than the other. The default position should be an equal split. However male-inflicted domestic abuse changed the way judges saw women in custody battles to the effect the default position is mothers are automatically primary custodians while the father often gets limited and restricted access, no matter the circumstances.
That’s changing, slowly. In the 10 years I’ve been involved in shared parenting I’ve witnessed overwhelming and undeniable benefits for the children and for the parents. I’ve seen how couples cast aside hatred and, over years, become good friends. All because the concept of shared parenting taught them that their children are far more important than their petty battles and one-upmanship.
